For more information see the UVU website:
http://www.uvu.edu/chss/autism/

by Jed Baker, Ph.D

THE SOLUTION

Chapters 3-6 

Chapter 3–ACCEPTING AND APPRECIATING OUR CHILDREN.

To adjust our expectations so that we can develop and maintain a positive relationship with our own children we must:

* Be able to control our own frustration before we can reduce our children’s frustration.

* Help our children feel competent with us and avoid “learned helplessness.”

* Avoid constant power struggles.

Tips for controlling our own frustration and  behavior include:

1. Expect challenging behaviors from our children as part of normal development.  Expecting perfect behavior sets us up to be more than annoyed by our children’s behavior.
2. Do not see our children’s actions as threats to our own competence, but instead recognize it as a function of their inability to cope with frustration. Alternatively, if we take it personally, our upset with ourselves increases our anger towards our children.
3. Understand that challenging behaviors are temporary until we can figure out better ways to manage and prevent those difficult situations.  IF we see it as an unending problem, we will surely be angrier.
4. Tuning in to our own triggers can help us be ready to respond more thoughtfully rather than automatically losing our temper.

Some ideas on building competence:

1.  Involve kids in daily household activities such as gathering laundry, taking out the trash, sweeping, vacuuming, taking care of the pets, preparing for a meal.  Even if the participation makes the chore longer, it’s worth it.
2. Determine areas in which they have some natural strengths, and set up activities in those areas.
3. Avoid demands that are beyond their capabilities.
4. Praise their effort when they are working on a project.  This allows them to appreciate working hard and practicing whether or not they succeed.  The lesson is: success eventually comes to those who work hard.

Avoid learned helplessness:

1. Refrain from making overly critical statements such as, “This is easy; why can’t  you do it? What’s wrong with you?” ; “All the other kids can do this.”; “Just try harder,” when children are failing at a task beyond their current ability.  What our children need is help in understanding what to do.
2. Give children task that they are capable of doing. 
3. Anticipate frustration as part of learning and let your child know that it’s okay.
4. Avoid power struggles: “If children are prepared for a challenge and have been taught skills to cope with that situation, then we can try to push through their resistance and endure the power struggle.  If children do not  have the skills to cope with a challenging task, then we should avoid the power struggle.”
5. Validate feelings by using statements such as: “That makes sense.” “I can understand how you feel” “I wish I could make it better.”

“To avoid an escalating power struggle, we may need to deal with the emotions before we can use reason and enforce  rules.  Sometimes we do this by making validating comments to our children and sometimes we find ways to distract them from the triggers to their upset.

Chapter 3 Summary:  When we accept and appreciate our children, we help to establish a positive relationship.

Chapter 4–DE-ESCALATING A MELTDOWN.

How to de-escalate a meltdown:

1.  Use distraction to avert the escalation of angry, out of control emotions when reasoning, logic, threats, and punishments have not worked.

2.  There are temporary crisis tools to employ when our children are out of control; they are not substitutes for eventually doing the harder work of understanding why the meltdown occurred and creating and prevention plan.

3.  When the same meltdowns repeat themselves, develop a plan so the problem does not happen again.  Avoid rehashing the negative situation that occurred in the past.

Distractions are most effective when you:

–Use items that are a passion or interest to the child.

–Use humor that is not degrading to the child.

–Validate their feelings so they feel understood.

–Have the child be a messenger in a classroom or social setting when you see him/her begin to get agitated.

–Get closer to the child to let them know you’re there to help.  This is most useful when the meltdown is not triggered by an adult.

–Use a secret signal to let the child know they are looking agitated and should check their behavior.

–Create a written schedule of routines.

–Create a home base.

–Just walk and don’t talk.

CAUTION!!!  DISTRACTION IS A CRISIS TOOL AND SHOULD ONLY BE USED ONCE IF IT CAUSES A CHILD TO AVOID A TASK.  IF YOU USE DISTRACTION, YOU SHOULD BE LOOKING TO SEE HOW TO AVOID IT IN THE FUTURE BY LOOKING AT THE ENVIRONMENT OR OTHER POSSIBLE TRIGGERS AND THEN CREATING A PLAN.

Social-emotional learning (SEL), is when we teach children self-calming strategies.  Steps for creating self-calming strategies are:

1.  When a child is focused and calm, talk with them about how they know when they are getting upset.  Help them identify internal cues and draw or write them down.  Similar to the Incredible 5 Point Scale (google 5 Point Scale) by Kari Dunn Buron or the Zone of Regulation by Leah Kuypers.

2.  Discuss things that are soothing and calming to the child and agree on what can be used to calm them when needed.

Chapter 5–UNDERSTANDING WHY REPEAT PROBLEMS OCCUR

To understand why a problem behavior continues to occur, we can conduct a Functional Behavioral Assessment.  This means that you will be gathering information on the antecedent or triggers, the actual behavior or what the child did, and the consequences that follow the behavior (what happens after the behavior).

A functional behavior assessment can be done by folding a paper into thirds and making a note of the date and time of each ABC you keep track of.

You can interview others or observe the behavior directly.  The most important thing to remember is to track it over time so you can analyze the data.

In reviewing the ABC diary, we can begin to see some of the patterns of what triggers or causes the behaviors.  Based on this information, we can put together a prevention plan to prevent the problem behavior.

Chapter 6–CREATING A PREVENTION PLAN

The following components should be considered when creating an effective prevention plan:

Change the Triggers

Changing triggering situations can make the problem behavior less likely for challenging behaviors to occur.  Here are some situations to consider:

*Sensory stimulation.  Alter the noise, light, smell, taste or touch sensation in the situation.  Be aware of the sensory issues that may be contributing to the occurrence of problem behavior.

*Timing of the situation.  Change when we ask a child to do something so they are not excessively tired, hungry or sick when confronting a challenging task.

*Task Difficulty.  Break down a challenging task into smaller parts.

*Visual supports.  Provide a pictorial representation or written list to show how to follow the steps necessary to complete a task.

Teach Skills to Deal With the Triggers

What alternative skills can we teach the child to better cope with the situations that trigger problem behaviors or meltdowns?

Try Reward or Loss Systems

Reward the positive, alternative skills and loss of privilege for engaging in disruptive behaviors.

Consider Biological and Physical Strategies

Dietary changes may reduce irritability and increase self-control.  Exercise, meditation and other physical modes of relaxation may enhance moods.  Medications that can alter impulse control and mood have been used as an effective tool for some children, but should be considered after other behavior interventions have been tried.

COMMENTS FROM PARENTS AT THE MEETING:

One parent reported that she tried hard not to get frustrated with her child.  She said that it’s easier to be on top of our children all the time–constantly telling them what to do–but if we accept and appreciate our children better, not just giving them commands all day long, it helps the child not be so upset all the time.

Dr. Baker teaches us in this book that we first have to accept our child.  The hard thing is when people compare.

Another good book is “Parenting from the Inside Out.” 

Another parent shared that she distracts her child by saying a specific color like “BLUE” when her child gets upset.  She said that she has her child name all the things that are “blue.”  It helps distract her child.

We hear so much that it’s the “parent’s fault” that the child acts the way he/she does, however, parents need to separate their own worth from their child’s behavior.  Get off the emotional rollercoaster!

www.socialthinking.com is a good resource.  It is written by an SOP who works with kids who uses icons for zones of regulation.

Our families come first!

Two more book references:  “How to improve your marriage without even talking about it,” and “Not Even Wrong.”

Another parent shared that we just can’t plan for every behavior in the future.  You can’t use distraction every time.  You can’t plan what’s going to happen every time.  If you can identify a real need like food or illness or tiredness and give the child what they need FIRST, without teaching or lecturing, then you can help that child in the moment.   The teaching comes later.

One example was shared about a child who struggled at recess.  This child would come in all worked up every single day after recess and disrupt the class for 15 minutes.  The teacher understood that it was near impossible to train every child on the playground or even every recess aide to help this child socially outside with all the students playing at the same time.  So, the teacher decided that instead of focusing on trying to train everyone or deal with the near impossible, she would have the child go to the library after recess to dust down the shelves and straighten the books.  The student would spend 15 minutes cooling down and then when he went back to class, he was calm and ready to learn.

Our assignment for next month is to read Chapters 7, 8 & 9 in the book, “No More Meltdowns” by Jed Baker, look for your child’s triggers, and try the technique of Distraction with your child this month.

Chapter 1:  MELTDOWNS:  WHEN REWARDS AND PUNISHMENTS ARE NOT ENOUGH. 

• Meltdowns are escalating negative emotional reactions.  All behavior is communication.
• We must have consistent rules and consequences.  When consistent rewards and punishments are not working, it’s time to try a new strategy.  We talked about the difference between choosing to have a power struggle with our child and balance.  A parent suggested that we should remember to “pick” our battles.  Work on the “biggest” issues first, and not everything all at once.
• From the book, “When the challenging behaviors continue despite consistently enforcing rules, it does not matter anymore whether the behavior was intentional.  We need to understand how to alter the triggers to those behaviors and/or teach better ways to cope with those triggers.”

THE FOUR STEP MODEL:

Step 1:  Accepting and Appreciating your child. 

• “Maintaining a positive relationship is very much about managing our expectations and perceptions of our child.  We must appreciate who the child is rather than try to force him to meet an unrealistic expectation…Efforts to enforce rules that are not appropriate to your child can break down the relationship between child and adult and create more stress.  When children feel accepted and appreciated by us, they are more likely to listen to us.”

Keys of managing a healthy relationship with our children are:

• Control our own tempers as parents.  Put the relationship with our child FIRST!!!  A technique shared by a parent that helped her control her own temper was to think about things from her son’s perspective.  She would ask herself, “How would I feel if it were ME in my son’s situation?”  Another parent shared that we MUST take care of ourselves as parents, even if it’s just for 10 seconds, 30 seconds, 10 minutes, 30 minutes, ½ day, week, whatever.  She suggested that we fill our reservoirs often, even if it’s just popping a chocolate in our mouths for 10 seconds.  This can help us control our temper and remain calm to take care of our child.  We can’t expect ourselves to give from an empty well!  Another parent shared that if what you are doing isn’t working, it’s time to try better things!  Anger NEVER solves anything, just ruins relationships. 
• Reduce frustration by creating an atmosphere in which the child feels competent.  This builds a sense of competence and trust in the adult caregiver.  Consider what builds TRUST between you and your child.  One technique mentioned by a parent was when your child was feeling frustrated, to instead of escalate with the child, or try to “STOP” the child from escalating, you ask gently, “How can I help you right now?”  It builds trust and helps the child see you’re on his/her side.  It also helps avoid meltdowns and confrontation.
• Avoid constant power struggles.  Consider a change in demands rather than forcing compliance when possible.

Step 2:  De-escalating a meltdown

• Distraction is a tool to de-escalate a meltdown, but preventing the meltdown is much more productive.  Chapter 4 (discussed in February) will discuss tools for de-escalation and prevention.

Step 3:  Understanding why a meltdown keeps occurring. 

• This is where Functional Behavior Assessment comes into play.  (To be discussed later.)

Step 4:  Creating Plans to Prevent Meltdowns

• When we understand why a meltdown is occurring in a particular situation, we can create a plan to prevent it.  Components of a good prevention plan usually involve four areas of intervention:  Changes to the situations that trigger meltdowns, teaching skills to deal with the triggering situations, using rewards or losses, and biologically based strategies.

CHAPTER 2:  WHAT ARE MELTDOWNS MADE OF?

• When we feel threatened we are all prone to react automatically with an intense emotional response to fight, flee, or freeze as if our life depended on it.  Being “hijacked by emotions’ is a term used to explain what occurs when our limbic system overtakes our cerebral cortex, which is the part of our brain that keeps us cool, calm and collected.  Trying to reason with someone during an emotional hijack situation is pointless.  Instead, using distracting methods may help restore a person to a calm state.

Here are some of the things a meltdown is made of:

• An overactive emotion center
• Characteristics that make the environment more threatening
• Temperament
• Difficulties with abstract thinking and perspective taking.  When one has challenges with abstract thinking, it may be difficult to take another’s perspective.  What other people are thinking and feeling must be imagined.  That may not come naturally to certain individuals.  When perspective taking does not come naturally, it makes it more likely to misinterpret others, which can lead to greater frustration and meltdowns.
• Inflexibility.  When it is hard to use one’s imagination, it becomes harder to solve new problems, and the likelihood of frustration increases, which may lead to meltdowns.”
• An explosive combination.  Imagine individuals who have a difficult temperament, are inflexible, and struggle to understand others’ point of view.  They come to new situations that are confusing, and do not have the problem-solving skills to handle them…These individuals are continually confronted with problematic events and cannot cope.”

To address these difficulties, we must help children find ways to calm themselves if a meltdown cannot be prevented, and avoid other meltdowns by anticipating and preparing for triggering events.

Join us next month for the review of chapters 3-6!

Here is an article I found that gave really great advice about bullying.

I received the following email from a mother…

Feeling that the bullies are your friends is all too common among kids who are bullied. Many children with ASD desperately want friends. The attention they receive from bullies is often better than being totally ignored. And bullies are very manipulative. They can bully your child one minute then pretend to be their friend the next. Most kids with ASD are so socially naïve that they cannot tell that the bully is simply using them for their own perverse enjoyment.

Let’s start by defining what we mean by bullying. There really are two categories.

1. Teasing — verbal abuse like insults, calling names, being “made fun of.”
2. Physical abuse — being slammed into the lockers, having the books knocked from your hands, being hit or punched.

There are several strategies that work effectively with bullies, but there are MANY actions to avoid.

What NOT to do:

	Fighting back.  Bullies are typically socially very astute. They understand the system and understand how the school works. Many are “jocks” and are liked by teachers and other students. If your son were to fight back, he is the one who will typically get in trouble with the school. And you son may also get beat up. This strategy is always a bad idea.
	Ignoring the bully. This is what many parents recommend. But in fact, it rarely works. The reason is that ignoring the bully is a reaction to what the bully did. It is not normal to ignore a comment from another person. This tends to be what the bully wants. He can see that he is upsetting your child and will likely just continue to abuse your son and possibly elevate the level of harassment.
	Walking away. Again, this is the advice parents often give. But it rarely works. The reason this is not an effective strategy to get bullying to stop is that the bully made your son react. Your son would normally not walk away. But the bully, through his comments or actions, got your son to walk away. This tends to also encourage the bully to continue because now he feels emboldened and more powerful.
	Contacting the parents of the bully. Do NOT do this. This is nearly always a bad idea. Many bullies are abused at home and come from bad families. The parents of the bully will simply defend the bully and possibly try to retaliate. Let the school and the police handle things.

What Works?

One of the most effective strategies that your child can use is to respond to the bully’s taunts (assuming teasing, not physical bullying) is with a neutral comment.

Let’s say the bully tells your son “You stink.” A good way to respond is to look at the bully and say in a very neutral tone something like “Whatever.”

The bully gets very little satisfaction from this exchange. Your son was not bothered, he did not walk away (which would be a reaction), he did not get upset (another reaction) nor did he say something aggressive in response (which tends to heighten the conflict).

It is not easy to show no emotion and to respond in a neutral way but this has been proven to be how non ASD kids respond effectively to bullies. And it is often the most effective way for your son, personally, to deal with the bullies.

One thing to keep in mind is that if your child is physically assaulted, then all bets are off. According to Alexander Gantman of the UCLA PEERS Social Skills Program, “It’s a very important distinction. If you make a person with a tendency for physical aggression feel inadequate by using tease-the-tease it will possibly cause them to escalate and physically attack.”

What Can A Parent Do?

Parents should not allow their children to be teased or bullied but physical abuse is often easier to fight.

	First, make sure you know what is going on. Talk to your child. Document each instance of abuse. Make sure you know as many details as possible. What exactly happened? Who did what? You definitely want to know if any teachers were around to see it because some teachers simply ignore the problem — which makes it worse.
	Tell the school. Have an in-person meeting with your child’s teacher and the principal. Do not let the school off the hook. You are not responsible for protecting your child when he or she is at school — that is the responsibility of the school administration.
	Demand that the school investigates. You do not have to know the names of those who are bullying your child. It is the school’s responsibility to provide a safe environment where your child can learn. Demand that the school does its own investigation if you do not have all the facts. Bullying never happens in isolation. There are always lots of witnesses. After all, that is the goal of the bully — they wantan audience.
	Document everything. Put everything in writing. Make sure you have an audit trail of all meetings you attend — Who is there? What are their titles? Date and time of the meetings? Location? Write emails documenting what happened at each meeting and what actions were to be taken as a result of the meeting. This will prevent the school from claiming that they did not know what was going on. After each meeting, send an email to every person at the meeting. Document what was said by whom. What actions were promised and by when. You may also want to copy people who were not at the meeting such as the Superintendent of Schools or Board of Education members — this visibility is often enough to get the school to take your seriously.
	Demand action. Ask the school administration what steps they plan to take to protect your child. Your child, if formally diagnosed with autism or Asperger’s is protected by the IDEA (Individuals with Disabilities Education Act). If your child is being hit, demand that the school discipline the bullies. If they do nothing, file a formal complaint with the police department. But do NOT contact the bullies or bullies’ parents directly. That is what the job of the school and police.
	Follow up.  Make sure that your child continues to communicate with you. As soon as another instance of bullying occurs, immediately have another in-person meeting with the school administrators. Document that the problem continues to occur. Demand that the school take measures to protect your child. Unfortunately in this world, the “squeaky wheel gets the grease.” School administrators often hope you will simply go away. If you do not go away then you force them to solve a problem they may prefer to ignore.

Here is a tip from a mom that might work for your child.

One Last Tip—Don’t Invite Abuse

If your child goes to school without wearing deodorant and he really does stink, then he is inviting abuse.  Or if your daughter is utterly clueless about how she dresses, or does not comb her hair…let’s face it, this only attracts the wrong type of attention.  Do your loved one a favor. Help him or her fit in. Give them concrete advice on how to avoid attracting ridicule or negative attention. Many with ASD do not realize how they appear to others. As a parent or friend of a person on the autism spectrum, help them help themselves.

Amy, creator of our new blog, taught at our November Autism Support Group about Autism Accommodations parents can make at home.  There is a LOT of GREAT information in this post that can be really helpful to parents.  Thanks Amy!

 Autism Accommodations At Home

Some general principles to keep in mind when deciding on accommodations:

Set goals. Goals should be specific and measurable.

·         Long term: Have a vision of what you’re aiming for over the long haul.

·         Middle range: Break the big picture down into specific skills or behaviors to target for the next few weeks or months

·         Short term: Break each skill or behavior down into the most basic elements. Which steps can your child do now? What is the NEXT step he or she needs to learn? –OR—what is the NEXT step better for the target behavior? (Build bridges one plank at a time for your child; don’t demand that he leap gaping chasms in a single bound.)

Prioritize.  Focusing on a specific target gets better results than a random shotgun approach

Set your own priorities your own way, but here are some possible categories to think about:

A)     Top Priority: Behaviors that pose a safety risk. Skills that are critical to survival.

B)      Medium Priority: Behaviors that are causing major disruptions in family life or school. Skills that are important for the child to become a productive member of society.

C)      Low Priority: Behaviors that are weird and annoying, but not dangerous or overly disruptive. Skills that it would be nice for your child to gain, but which are not essential to a happy life.

·         Which three skills are most important for your child to learn next?

·         Which three behaviors are most important to work on now?

·         What safety measures, accommodations, or compromises can be put in place to help you, your child, and your family live with the issues you’re not currently working on?

When you put an accommodation in place, think about:

·         Specifically, what is the purpose of this accommodation? What behavior or skill is it intended to address?

·         How does this accommodation meet the need?

·         What is the desired outcome of the accommodation? How will you know if the accommodation is successful or not?

·         What is a reasonable period of time to try this accommodation to see if it results in the desired outcome?

·         Who will be responsible for seeing that the accommodation is carried out?

·         How will this accommodation affect the relationship between you and your child (and other family members)?

It’s ok if your accommodation isn’t a success. Even the failures will give you new information about your child that will help you formulate future accommodations more successfully. Just re-evaluate, regroup, and try something else. You have your whole life ahead of you, you don’t have to fix everything this afternoon. Trust me, the autism will still be there tomorrow.

Sensory

Remember that kids can be hyper-sensitive, hypo-sensitive, or swing back and forth along the whole spectrum of sensitivity. Adjust sensory accommodations accordingly. Sometimes kids need less stimulation to avoid becoming overwhelmed, but sometimes they need more stimulation to keep themselves oriented and connected.

Consider assembling a “Sensory First Aid Kit” to take along when you go places. It might include things like sunglasses, ear plugs, chewing gum, rubber gloves and/or wipes, a favorite snack, a fidget toy, a soft brush, etc., as appropriate for YOUR child’s sensory needs. When your child is in sensory distress it’s nice to have some tools to try to help, and older kids can learn to self-“medicate” and may feel less anxious if they know they have their toolkit along.

Vision

·         Evaluate lighting. Lighting that is too bright can cause some children distress. Fluorescent lighting can seem to flicker like a strobe light for some children.

·         Colors – Intense colors, pure, bright tones, and  “warm colors” (reds, pinks, yellows, oranges, etc.) are often more stimulating to the nervous system. Pastel colors, greyed tones, and “cool colors” (blues, greens, violets) are generally more soothing. Choose colors for walls, furniture, bedding, clothing, etc. that will be appropriate for your child’s needs. Bright primary colors are popular for kids, but may be over stimulating for autistic children.

·         Patterns – stripes, dots, plaids, paisleys, etc. are fun, but too many can overwhelm a sensitive nervous system. Words or pictures on clothing can also be over stimulating. Opt for plain colors or minimal patterns, especially close to the face or in frequently used areas.

·         Clutter can be visually stimulating. Keeping things tidy can help a visually sensitive child stay regulated. Putting doors or curtains on shelf units and cupboards can also reduce visual clutter.

·         Sunglasses and hats can help with bright lights outdoors. Look for close-fitting “wrap-around” sunglasses that control light on the sides and top as well as just looking forward.

·         Movement –  rapid, repetitive motion can be stimulating to the nervous system. Slow, gentle, deliberate motion is more soothing. Sometimes your child needs you to just be still. Mobiles and wind chimes can provide additional stimulation, as can TV and computer screens.

·         Sensitive kids can have a hard time filtering out peripheral stimulation, which can act cumulatively on the nervous system. Sometimes a dim, clutter-free area with a door that closes can be a big help for oversensitive kids.

Hearing

·         Pay attention to background noise—all the sounds you don’t normally “hear” because your brain filters them out—heating and air conditioning, buzzing lighting, creaky floors, wind, birds or traffic outside, your own breathing, people talking in the hallway or next room over. It can add up really fast.

·         Limit the number of sound sources going on at once in your home. The radio OR the tv OR the computer; not all of them at once.

·         Headphones. Play music or stories in headphones for your child to help drown out the constant auditory “clutter” of background noise. Have other family members use headphones when using the computer or listening to their music. Run the washer and dryer when your child is at school (or wait until he’s home if the additional stimulation is soothing; a running dryer at bedtime can work wonders.)

·         Ear plugs and ear protectors can be helpful for times when the child can’t withdraw from the noisy environment. These are available in several forms, which vary in effectiveness.

·         A quiet room where the child can go and close the door can be a life-saver.

·         A rambunctious, shouting, fidgeting, noisy child might be an under-stimulated child. Putting on a little quiet music can do a lot to cut down weird “sound effects”, repetition of random words, a child talking to him- or herself, and other bothersome auditory behaviors.

·         One odd thing that can happen when a child’s hearing is severely overstimulated is that it can shut off to protect the system. (This can happen with other senses too, but I’ve heard about it most with hearing.) If your child seems to be ignoring you it might be a sensory shut-down, not intentional rudeness. Usually, getting the child’s attention through another sense is enough to restart the auditory system. Before getting angry try touching the child’s shoulder, or standing in his line of vision, and then try talking again.

·         Monitor your voice. It can be easy to raise the volume, pitch, and intensity of your voice when you are frustrated, but this might just make the problem worse if your child is already overstimulated. Practice speaking in a calm, slow, even, quiet voice, especially when your emotions are running high. Conversely, speaking in a more rapid, intense manner when your child needs to be energized can help get things moving.

·         Set aside a quiet space and/or time for homework. It can be especially hard to focus on studies with noisy siblings, pets, dinner preparation, etc.

Touch

·         Remember that light touch and deep pressure are handled through two different sets of nerves. A child who likes to ram into things might find a pat on the back uncomfortable, or even painful—and vice versa. 

·         Certain textures can be irritating and over stimulating. Choose soft fabrics for clothing, bedding, etc. 

·         Cut tags out of clothes, or look for tagless items. Get socks without seams. 

·         Sleeve length can be a big issue. Some kids find the constant stimulation of constant skin contact that they get with long sleeves calming and reassuring. Other kids find long sleeves too over stimulating and are better able to stay regulated if they have short sleeves so nothing is touching their skin. 

·         Some kids are calmer with very tight clothing. “Rash guards”, or other close-fitting lycra clothing can be worn under regular clothing to provide the pressure they need to stay calm. Other kids do better with very loose-fitting clothing that minimizes skin contact.  

·         Give the child rubber gloves to wear when working with things that are sticky or messy.  

·         Experiment with different kinds of personal care items such as combs, brushes, toothbrushes, etc. Some kids like the stimulation of stiff brush bristles, but others need softer contact on their sensitive scalps. 

·         Try out different kinds of soap. A slimy bar of soap might send some kids over the edge. They might do better with liquid or foaming soap. Some kids do well with a bar of soap in a cloth cover.  

·         Pressure from a weighted vest or blanket can be soothing to some children. Other kinds of deep pressure might also be soothing. Be creative—let the child climb behind the back cushions of the couch while you lean against the cushions, give “bear” hugs, wrap child tightly in a blanket, etc. (SAFETY FIRST!!) 

·         If your child finds specific textures calming, consider ways he can take the texture with him for moments of distress—a scrap of flannel fabric in his pocket, a special stuffed animal in his backpack, a smooth “worry stone”, a squishy ball, a nubby teething toy to rub with his fingers, etc.  

·         Some kids are soothed by “brushing” their skin with a soft-bristle brush. 

·         Temperature can also be an issue. If your child is in distress a heating pad or cold compress might help. 

·         Provide items it’s ok for the child to chew or suck on to meet oral tactile stimulation needs. Teething toys, water tubing, lollipops, gum, etc. Search on the internet for “chewelry” to find sturdy bracelets, necklaces, etc.  made specifically for chewing on. 

·         Allow a picky eater to “play” with his food with his fingers. Sometimes it feels “safer” to explore new food textures with the fingers before putting them in an over sensitive mouth.

Taste

·         Try cooking foods with little or no seasoning, and allow family members to add seasoning at the table if they prefer.

·         Allow the child to take only ONE bite of a new food. Praise him for trying, even if he gags or spits it out. Then give him a preferred meal. (If one bite is too much, let him hold it, or smell it, or lick it—whatever level of exposure he can tolerate—and reward that.)

·         Provide distractions while the child is eating—conversation, music, pictures, a toy to play with, etc.

·         Give the child some control whenever possible. Ask him which of two new foods he would like to try. Let him choose which item on his plate he will eat first.

·         Set up a sticker chart or other reward system for the number of bites eaten, number of new foods tried, etc. as appropriate for YOUR child.

·         When you find a food that is particularly successful, try variations of the same food—a different brand of frozen pizza, same brand but different toppings, a different flavor of sauce, pizza bagels, pizza rolls, etc. This will help expand tolerated flavors gradually.

·         Give the child an ice cube or popsicle to suck on before trying a new food. The cold will help desensitize their mouth temporarily so the new flavor is less intense at first.

·         Allow condiments and sauces—whatever it takes to get the food down. When the food is tolerated well with the condiments, you can start to fade the condiments by adding less each time.

·         If your child is also sensitive to textures, try adding either a new flavor OR a new texture, but not both at the same time. For example, if your child does ok with smooth textures but gags on chunky items, puree new foods the first few times it’s offered.

·         Cut food into fun shapes with cookie cutters.

·         Toothpaste. Try different flavors. Allow child to clean tongue and gums with plain water, then use toothpaste on just the teeth.

·         Praise ANY progress. If they played with it, smelled it, licked it, chewed it and spit it out, swallowed it (with or without gagging)—whatever the NEXT step is for YOUR child with THAT food—praise it to the heavens. Don’t embarrass or criticize the child for food failures.

Smell

·         Choose air fresheners wisely, or avoid them altogether 

·         Look for unscented or lightly scented options for cleaners and laundry detergents.  

·         Make fragrance (or lack thereof) a priority when choosing personal care items such as lotions, deodorants, shampoo, toothpaste, shaving cream, etc. This goes for all family members if your child is very sensitive.  

·         Some children find certain scents very soothing. If you have one of these, experiment with essential oils and other aromatherapy products.  

Spatial Awareness

·         Weighted vests, blankets, or lap pads can help the child feel anchored.

·         Allow child to trail a hand along a wall as he walks.

·         An inflatable “wiggle seat” cushion on his chair can provide more sensory input from joints and help him stay in his seat.

·         If your child has a poor sense of direction a handheld GPS device can help him feel safer walking to school or a friend’s house.

·         At bedtime, wrap your child tightly in a blanket, have him sleep in a sleeping bag, add extra pillows or stuffed animals to his bed (to give him additional spatial reference points). Consider hanging curtains around the bed (works well with bunk beds) or setting up a small tent for your child to sleep in.

·         A child with spatial sensory issues might enjoy a small, enclosed cubbyhole somewhere to play or read in.

·         Teach child about honoring other people’s “personal space”. Give specific guidelines about how much room he needs to leave between his face or body and the other person’s (a hula hoop is a good way to help him visualize, or an arm’s length).

Physical coordination

·         Choose individual sports and activities where a child’s performance is measured against his own past ability level, and not compared to the rest of the team.

·         Shoes with Velcro fasteners are a good option for kids who have trouble tying shoelaces.

·         Allow extra time for tasks requiring physical coordination.

·         Break down new physical skills into the smallest possible increments, and teach one step at a time. Practice the first step a lot before teaching the next one. Praise for every little bit of improvement, no matter how small.

·         If handwriting is a problem, teach the child to type.

Emotional

·         “Live out loud”. As often as you can, keep up a running monologue of what is going on with your own emotions. Label and describe your emotions and talk about why you’re feeling what you’re feeling and how another person might be able to tell what you’re feeling, as well as how you are managing your emotions so they don’t take control of you. “I was so startled (label) when that glass slipped out of my fingers, because I was not expecting that to happen (why). When I’m startled all my muscles tense up, my eyes get big, and sometimes I gulp in a fast, deep breath of air (description of physical markers of the emotion). Patting my chest and taking slow, deep breaths helps me not be so startled (management technique). Whew! I am sure relieved  that the glass didn’t break on the floor. That’s why my body relaxed, and I let out that huge sigh.” And so forth.

·         Help the child recognize and label his own emotions and their markers. “Right now you seem to be feeling very frustrated. I can tell because your eyebrows are scrunched down in the middle and you’re jumping up and down and yelling.” Or, “You seem so sleepy! Look at that big yawn and those droopy eyes.”

·         When the child can recognize basic emotions, teach the child to recognize and be aware of different LEVELS of those emotions. A number rating system can be useful. Use this in your “living out loud” monologues. “I’m feeling happy. I think I’m happy at about a level three.” Or, “I am running out of patience! I am frustrated with you at a level five!” Then you can teach different labels for different levels, such as content (1), cheerful (2), happy (3), thrilled (4), and overjoyed (5).

·         Teach the child specific techniques for regaining control of emotions that are starting to get out of hand. If he can recognize that he is frustrated or frightened at a level three and start deep breathing, or visualizing something pleasant, or looking for an exit, he can regain control before he is too far gone to think straight.

Learn to tell the difference between a tantrum and a “meltdown”. During a meltdown remain calm, move slowly and deliberately if at all, if you must speak do so quietly. Keep the child and others safe, and wait until it passes. When a child is in a meltdown the part of his brain that handles language, logic, and reasoning (cortex) has shut down, and the non-verbal emotional centers (amygdalae) have taken over—this is an instinctive “fight, flight, or flee” response, and he is unable to think rationally. After the meltdown has ended, allow everyone a little time to regroup and rest, then talk about what happened and what you and the child can each do differently the next time to get a better outcome. Don’t punish or criticize for “meltdowns”. If your child had an asthma attack you wouldn’t scold him and tell him he’d better start breathing properly or you’re going to take away his Play Station. You wouldn’t tell him that if he has one more asthma attack this week he will lose his computer privileges for a month. You would give the proper medication, and then do your best to figure out his triggers and either avoid or prepare for them. Think of a meltdown as an asthma attack of the nervous system. Your child needs help, not discipline. (Temper tantrums are another story.)

Organization / Planning

·         Post a daily routine, and mark off each item as it’s completed. Generally it works best to list just the order of events without tying them to a specific time of day, unless there’s an actual deadline (like leaving for school at 8:00).  You don’t want your child to obsess about taking exactly five minutes to brush his teeth—or refuse to brush them at all because it is 8:31 and the schedule says 8:30. Use pictures for kids who aren’t reading yet. Consider using cards stuck to a Velcro strip, or magnets on a magnet board. This will allow you to change the routine if needed, and will give your child a way to visualize and anticipate what’s coming next so he isn’t caught off guard by something unexpected.

·         Post a family calendar where kids can see visually what non-routine events will happen each day, and how long it is until an anticipated (or dreaded) event.

·         Have a specific place in your home for each task that comes up regularly—a homework station, a toothbrushing station, a getting dressed station, a mealtime station, etc. (You don’t have to call them stations.) In each area keep all tools that are needed for the task(s) that are performed in that area. (Pencils, crayons, a ruler, etc. in the homework corner. Toothbrush, toothpaste, and floss in a basket on the bathroom counter. A hairbrush, detangle spray, and ponytail elastics in another bin.) Consider posting instructions for the tasks that take place there (How to Take a Bath: Step 1 – get out a towel. Step 2 – make sure you have soap and shampoo. Step 3 – Choos 1 bath toy. Step 4 – turn on the water and adjust the temperature….and so forth.)

·         Check your child’s backpack. Don’t count on him to remember to give you notes from school. Consider having a notebook to pass back and forth between you and the child’s teacher to make sure you always know if your child needs to bring something unusual to school or if something upsetting happened that day that you need to talk about with your child, AND so your child’s teacher can be forewarned if your child is starting out the day a little “off” because you didn’t have the right kind of cereal, or his blue shirt is in the wash or whatever.

·         A timer is your friend. Using a timer helps transitions go more smoothly:  I am setting the timer for five minutes. When the timer rings we will put on our coats and get in the car. A timer can help keep a child on task: Work really hard for five minutes, and when the timer rings you can stop. Or it can provide motivation: Last time it took you twelve minutes to finish; I’ll set the timer for twelve minutes this time, and let’s see if you can do it even faster.

Social / Relationship

·         “Live out loud”. Keep up a running monologue about why you do what you do, what you hope the result will be, what you will do if the result is different from what you expected, how you feel about a task, a person, an event, etc., and how that affects your choices. This gives your child a window into how another person organizes their thoughts and relates to other people and the world around them. It provides a model on which your child can organize and deal with his own “inner world”. Be as open and honest as you can, and include the “ugly” bits. Your child needs to know how to deal with that stuff too. “Oh I am SO EMBARRASSED. I feel like crying. I feel like everyone is staring at me. I want to crawl in a hole and disappear. But I can’t do that because I have too many responsibilities. And also it’s impossible to just disappear. So I am going to….” Or, “We’re going to see Aunt Mary. I’m not really looking forward to seeing Aunt Mary because she smells funny and always criticizes how I look. But Aunt Mary is Dad’s big sister. I love Dad, and I want to make him happy, and I know it makes him happy when I am nice to his sister, so we’re going to go visit, and I’m going to smile a lot and try not to breathe too deeply. But don’t tell her, ok? It would probably embarrass her if she knew I thought she smelled funny, and I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I don’t like it when people hurt my feelings.”

·         Balance your life. Sometimes just “being a family” is more important to your child’s wellbeing than a particular therapy opportunity. You and your child both have limits on your time and energy. Budget them wisely.

·         Speak respectfully to your child. Talk to your child in the same tone, and with the same words with which you want him to speak to you. Say please and thank you. Use your inside voice. No swearing. If you don’t want your child to make requests in the form of a demand, you don’t do it either. It WILL come back to bite you. If you want him to jump up right away and comply with a reasonable request, that’s what you need to do too. Think of it as an investment in what goes around comes around. (Remember the GIGO principle—Garbage In, Garbage Out.)

·         Be flexible. Your child learns flexibility by living with it. (Live your flexibility out loud: “I don’t want to X, but I know I need to be flexible, so I will do this much if you will do that part.”) Your child can’t learn flexibility by watching you be rigid.

·         Be sensitive to how much social interaction your child likes and/or can tolerate. It may be less than you think he should like and/or tolerate, but it’s HIS social life—not yours, not his brother’s, not his cousin’s, or the neighbor kid’s. Don’t take him to the Christmas party “so he’ll have pleasant memories of childhood” if it isn’t going to be a pleasant memory for him.

·         Talk your child through upcoming social situations. What will it be like, who will be there, what will be expected of him, what should he say, where he can go if he needs a break.  Help him learn some general, all-purpose “scripts” for use in social settings. “Hi, how are you?” The person will respond—if it’s a happy response, you can say, “That’s great! Well, it was nice talking to you.” And then you can leave. If it’s an unhappy response you can say, “Oh I’m sorry to hear that. Well, it was good to see you.” And then leave. No fuss, no muss, no stressful “conversations”. Teach scripts for things like starting and ending conversations, asking for help, greetings and farewells, making a phone call, answering a phone call, and other common situations where we all kind of operate according to social scripts anyway. “Social Stories” and roleplaying can help a child know what to expect and what is expected of him.

·         When you enter a new social setting, try to help your child identify a “safe place” he can go if he becomes distressed. Take him to the “safe place” so he knows where it is, and let him know he can go there if he feels anxious or upset. Knowing what to do in case of emotional emergencies can help the child feel less anxious and lessen the chances of a problem, gives him the opportunity to practice self-regulating, and helps you know where to find him if he bolts. It can also be helpful to locate restrooms and drinking fountains in advance.

·         Explain the obvious. In detail. Repeatedly. No question is a dumb question. Pretend your child is a visiting dignitary from another planet, and it’s your job to explain Earth culture.

·         Allow extra time for social responses. Count to 10 (or 50) in your head if necessary.

·         Make your relationship with your child a high priority. Your parent/child relationship will last a lot longer than one awkward, embarrassing, or frustrating incident. Don’t let a 5-minute incident ruin a lifetime relationship. Be on his “side” whenever possible. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Praise as much as possible. Criticize as little, and as kindly as possible. Be his biggest fan, and his loudest cheerleader—even when you don’t feel like it. Tell him you love him just as he is—and mean it. Try to have at least 4 positive interactions with your child for every negative interaction; you will be amazed what a difference it will make.

Making A List, And Checking It Twice

Mark all upcoming events on a calendar. Hang it where your child can see it at all times, and regularly discuss with the child what is coming up. This can help keep the child from being blindsided. Try not to schedule too many stressful things on one day, or on too many days in a row. Including things like the days you will put up the decorations and the day you will take them down will help the child transition more smoothly from the normal routine to the holiday routine and back again. Crossing out events as they occur will help the child stay oriented in time.

Write out a daily schedule for each day (some children will do better with pictures on the list showing each event). As much as possible, maintain your regular daily routines. Begin your day at the same time and in the same way you normally would, keep the same schedule for meals and medications, follow your regular bedtime routine. Write down and discuss with your child anything that is planned for that day that differs from the normal routine of the family. During the school break be sure to let the child know what will be happening during times he is normally in school. This is often a good time of day for structured activities. It’s very important to include in your schedule breaks and activities that help your child feel calm and relax; too much busy festivity can be overwhelming and lead to meltdowns.

Prepare the child for unfamiliar events and activities by discussing with him in advance what he can expect. It might be helpful to write down for him a checklist of what will happen and in what order at that specific event or activity so he can refer to it as needed to see what’s coming up next. If possible, show pictures from last year’s event or cut photos of an activity or project from a magazine.

Consider creating social stories and rehearsing brief “scripts” for common holiday social situations. What will happen Christmas morning? How do you handle giving and receiving gifts (including an undesirable gift!)? What about greeting visitors in your home, or visiting in the homes of relatives? Show your child pictures of relatives that might be encountered during the holidays, tell a few interesting facts about them, and talk about how the child should speak and act around each person.

Avoid surprises, or let the autistic child be in on the secret in advance. Many parents like to create special holiday surprises for their children. While most kids are thrilled with surprises, many autistic children find surprises quite disturbing and upsetting. Letting them help set up the surprise, or taking them aside beforehand and warn them about what is about to happen can prevent a surprise meltdown. If your child is confused by presents, or finds not knowing what’s in them upsetting consider wrapping his presents in tissue paper or colored cellophane; that way the child can still unwrap the present but knows what to expect when he gets it open.

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Christmas can bring with it lots of intense new sensory experiences, and while most people revel in the sights, sounds, flavors, and scents of the season, for an autistic child they can be frightening and overwhelming. This is a time when less is often more, and you might want to think about which sensory-intensive decorations and experiences are most important for your family and eliminate some of the unnecessary extras. Try to introduce new sensory experiences one at a time and as calmly as possible. Allow your child to try new treats at his own comfort level, and consider bringing along some favorite familiar foods to holiday celebrations.

When possible, opt for small get-togethers and avoid big, noisy crowds. If you will be attending an event in an environment you know will be upsetting for your child consider hiring a babysitter and letting the child opt out. If that’s not a good option, help your child locate a quiet place like a coat room or back stairwell where he can go if he begins to feel agitated; make sure he knows where the restroom is, what is expected of him, and where to find you at all times. Take your child shopping during off-hours to minimize the crowds and chaos, or help him shop online.

Let your child help decide what decorations will be displayed in your home. If he finds a certain kind of lights or decorations unsettling consider putting them away or finding a more comfortable substitute. Keeping home a “sensory safe zone” will help Christmas be more pleasant for the whole family.

Plan some strategies for toning down the chaos of presents on Christmas morning; a wrapping paper feeding frenzy can be very overstimulating. Taking turns opening one gift at a time not only tames the chaos, it makes the happy anticipation last that much longer for everyone.

There’s No Place Like Home For The Holidays

The festivities of the holiday season offer so many opportunities for disaster that it can be exhausting to navigate them all successfully, even in familiar territory. Add in extended travel to unfamiliar places, and catastrophe is almost inevitable. If you will be traveling or staying at a hotel or relative’s home, be sure to prepare the child in advance. If possible show pictures of the places and people the child will encounter on your travels. Make sure your child has a safe, quiet place he can go when he begins to become agitated. Help the child rehearse appropriate greetings for relatives, and appropriate actions for him to take when he’s not sure what he’s expected to say or do. Ask relatives to allow the child to decide whether to hug or kiss, as forced intimate social contact can be very overwhelming. Take comfortable clothes for your child to wear, and be aware of the many new sensory experiences that come along with the new location; do what you can to protect your child from overload. Don’t forget your calendar, checklists, and social stories!

For an autistic child there truly is no place like home for the holidays. Being anchored in a comfortable, familiar place can help take the edge off all that is new and strange and exciting and unsettling about Christmas. I strongly recommend carving out Christmas as a time for your family to build memories at home. Take Christmas at your own pace. Create a cozy, warm, safe time and place where your autistic child can thrive and bloom and experience the joy of the season. Consider asking friends and relatives to stagger their visits to your home to help cut down on the chaos, or just let everyone know that your family is setting aside Christmas as a special time just for your own immediate family group at home.

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

Relax! Have fun! Enjoy your quirky kiddo. Life on the spectrum can be chaotic and confusing, but one thing’s for sure–it’s never boring. So stick a candy cane in your hot cocoa, hold on to your Santa hat, and sit back and enjoy the ride. May your days be merry and bright, and may all your Christmases go right!

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Here are some fun links you might like to check out:

Christmas With My Son With Autism
Autism-Friendly Christmas Tips For The Eccentric
Making The Holidays Happy For Children With Autism Spectrum Disorders (Great for teachers!)

We appreciate your patience as we work through all this, and apologize for any inconvenience.