Effective Strategies to Stop Bullying

Here is an article I found that gave really great advice about bullying.

I received the following email from a mother…

I have a son who is 10 years old who has Aspergers. He has troubled being bullied at school. The frustrating thing is that he continues to “hang out” with these bullies and says they are his friends. He is scared to stand up for himself to these kids, but doesn’t have a problem fighting with his brother or sister. Any suggestions on how to deal with this?

Feeling that the bullies are your friends is all too common among kids who are bullied. Many children with ASD desperately want friends. The attention they receive from bullies is often better than being totally ignored. And bullies are very manipulative. They can bully your child one minute then pretend to be their friend the next. Most kids with ASD are so socially naïve that they cannot tell that the bully is simply using them for their own perverse enjoyment.

Let’s start by defining what we mean by bullying. There really are two categories.

1. Teasing — verbal abuse like insults, calling names, being “made fun of.”
2. Physical abuse — being slammed into the lockers, having the books knocked from your hands, being hit or punched.

There are several strategies that work effectively with bullies, but there are MANY actions to avoid.

What NOT to do:

 

 

	Fighting back.  Bullies are typically socially very astute. They understand the system and understand how the school works. Many are “jocks” and are liked by teachers and other students. If your son were to fight back, he is the one who will typically get in trouble with the school. And you son may also get beat up. This strategy is always a bad idea.
	Ignoring the bully. This is what many parents recommend. But in fact, it rarely works. The reason is that ignoring the bully is a reaction to what the bully did. It is not normal to ignore a comment from another person. This tends to be what the bully wants. He can see that he is upsetting your child and will likely just continue to abuse your son and possibly elevate the level of harassment.
	Walking away. Again, this is the advice parents often give. But it rarely works. The reason this is not an effective strategy to get bullying to stop is that the bully made your son react. Your son would normally not walk away. But the bully, through his comments or actions, got your son to walk away. This tends to also encourage the bully to continue because now he feels emboldened and more powerful.
	Contacting the parents of the bully. Do NOT do this. This is nearly always a bad idea. Many bullies are abused at home and come from bad families. The parents of the bully will simply defend the bully and possibly try to retaliate. Let the school and the police handle things.

What Works?

One of the most effective strategies that your child can use is to respond to the bully’s taunts (assuming teasing, not physical bullying) is with a neutral comment.

Let’s say the bully tells your son “You stink.” A good way to respond is to look at the bully and say in a very neutral tone something like “Whatever.”

The bully gets very little satisfaction from this exchange. Your son was not bothered, he did not walk away (which would be a reaction), he did not get upset (another reaction) nor did he say something aggressive in response (which tends to heighten the conflict).

It is not easy to show no emotion and to respond in a neutral way but this has been proven to be how non ASD kids respond effectively to bullies. And it is often the most effective way for your son, personally, to deal with the bullies.

One thing to keep in mind is that if your child is physically assaulted, then all bets are off. According to Alexander Gantman of the UCLA PEERS Social Skills Program, “It’s a very important distinction. If you make a person with a tendency for physical aggression feel inadequate by using tease-the-tease it will possibly cause them to escalate and physically attack.”

What Can A Parent Do?

Parents should not allow their children to be teased or bullied but physical abuse is often easier to fight.

 

 

	First, make sure you know what is going on. Talk to your child. Document each instance of abuse. Make sure you know as many details as possible. What exactly happened? Who did what? You definitely want to know if any teachers were around to see it because some teachers simply ignore the problem — which makes it worse.
	Tell the school. Have an in-person meeting with your child’s teacher and the principal. Do not let the school off the hook. You are not responsible for protecting your child when he or she is at school — that is the responsibility of the school administration.
	Demand that the school investigates. You do not have to know the names of those who are bullying your child. It is the school’s responsibility to provide a safe environment where your child can learn. Demand that the school does its own investigation if you do not have all the facts. Bullying never happens in isolation. There are always lots of witnesses. After all, that is the goal of the bully — they wantan audience.
	Document everything. Put everything in writing. Make sure you have an audit trail of all meetings you attend — Who is there? What are their titles? Date and time of the meetings? Location? Write emails documenting what happened at each meeting and what actions were to be taken as a result of the meeting. This will prevent the school from claiming that they did not know what was going on. After each meeting, send an email to every person at the meeting. Document what was said by whom. What actions were promised and by when. You may also want to copy people who were not at the meeting such as the Superintendent of Schools or Board of Education members — this visibility is often enough to get the school to take your seriously.
	Demand action. Ask the school administration what steps they plan to take to protect your child. Your child, if formally diagnosed with autism or Asperger’s is protected by the IDEA (Individuals with Disabilities Education Act). If your child is being hit, demand that the school discipline the bullies. If they do nothing, file a formal complaint with the police department. But do NOT contact the bullies or bullies’ parents directly. That is what the job of the school and police.
	Follow up.  Make sure that your child continues to communicate with you. As soon as another instance of bullying occurs, immediately have another in-person meeting with the school administrators. Document that the problem continues to occur. Demand that the school take measures to protect your child. Unfortunately in this world, the “squeaky wheel gets the grease.” School administrators often hope you will simply go away. If you do not go away then you force them to solve a problem they may prefer to ignore.

Here is a tip from a mom that might work for your child.

My son, now 22 was much bigger than the other kids in his class and so was the natural target of bullying. I taught him, at a very early age, to loudly announce “I don’t like that!” whenever someone did something he didn’t like. That way I didn’t have to teach him every specific thing people might do. Then I taught him to tell what it was he didn’t like, such as “he called me a name”, “he touched me” or, “he said words I didn’t like”. Being loud would call an adult’s attention to the problem and his brief explanation would cause the adult to seek more information. The last thing bullies want is adult attention so after a while they left him alone. Then the other kids who were bully targets started to hang around with him and he had friends -of sorts.

One Last Tip—Don’t Invite Abuse

If your child goes to school without wearing deodorant and he really does stink, then he is inviting abuse.  Or if your daughter is utterly clueless about how she dresses, or does not comb her hair…let’s face it, this only attracts the wrong type of attention.  Do your loved one a favor. Help him or her fit in. Give them concrete advice on how to avoid attracting ridicule or negative attention. Many with ASD do not realize how they appear to others. As a parent or friend of a person on the autism spectrum, help them help themselves.

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