Notes from Jan ’12 Autism Group Book Review: MELTDOWNS

Here are notes from the January 2012 Book Review, “No More Meltdowns” by Jed Baker.  Ideas shared by parents are interspersed.

Chapter 1:  MELTDOWNS:  WHEN REWARDS AND PUNISHMENTS ARE NOT ENOUGH. 

• Meltdowns are escalating negative emotional reactions.  All behavior is communication.
• We must have consistent rules and consequences.  When consistent rewards and punishments are not working, it’s time to try a new strategy.  We talked about the difference between choosing to have a power struggle with our child and balance.  A parent suggested that we should remember to “pick” our battles.  Work on the “biggest” issues first, and not everything all at once.
• From the book, “When the challenging behaviors continue despite consistently enforcing rules, it does not matter anymore whether the behavior was intentional.  We need to understand how to alter the triggers to those behaviors and/or teach better ways to cope with those triggers.”

THE FOUR STEP MODEL:

Step 1:  Accepting and Appreciating your child. 

• “Maintaining a positive relationship is very much about managing our expectations and perceptions of our child.  We must appreciate who the child is rather than try to force him to meet an unrealistic expectation…Efforts to enforce rules that are not appropriate to your child can break down the relationship between child and adult and create more stress.  When children feel accepted and appreciated by us, they are more likely to listen to us.”

Keys of managing a healthy relationship with our children are:

• Control our own tempers as parents.  Put the relationship with our child FIRST!!!  A technique shared by a parent that helped her control her own temper was to think about things from her son’s perspective.  She would ask herself, “How would I feel if it were ME in my son’s situation?”  Another parent shared that we MUST take care of ourselves as parents, even if it’s just for 10 seconds, 30 seconds, 10 minutes, 30 minutes, ½ day, week, whatever.  She suggested that we fill our reservoirs often, even if it’s just popping a chocolate in our mouths for 10 seconds.  This can help us control our temper and remain calm to take care of our child.  We can’t expect ourselves to give from an empty well!  Another parent shared that if what you are doing isn’t working, it’s time to try better things!  Anger NEVER solves anything, just ruins relationships. 
• Reduce frustration by creating an atmosphere in which the child feels competent.  This builds a sense of competence and trust in the adult caregiver.  Consider what builds TRUST between you and your child.  One technique mentioned by a parent was when your child was feeling frustrated, to instead of escalate with the child, or try to “STOP” the child from escalating, you ask gently, “How can I help you right now?”  It builds trust and helps the child see you’re on his/her side.  It also helps avoid meltdowns and confrontation.
• Avoid constant power struggles.  Consider a change in demands rather than forcing compliance when possible.

Step 2:  De-escalating a meltdown

• Distraction is a tool to de-escalate a meltdown, but preventing the meltdown is much more productive.  Chapter 4 (discussed in February) will discuss tools for de-escalation and prevention.

Step 3:  Understanding why a meltdown keeps occurring. 

• This is where Functional Behavior Assessment comes into play.  (To be discussed later.)

Step 4:  Creating Plans to Prevent Meltdowns

• When we understand why a meltdown is occurring in a particular situation, we can create a plan to prevent it.  Components of a good prevention plan usually involve four areas of intervention:  Changes to the situations that trigger meltdowns, teaching skills to deal with the triggering situations, using rewards or losses, and biologically based strategies.

CHAPTER 2:  WHAT ARE MELTDOWNS MADE OF?

• When we feel threatened we are all prone to react automatically with an intense emotional response to fight, flee, or freeze as if our life depended on it.  Being “hijacked by emotions’ is a term used to explain what occurs when our limbic system overtakes our cerebral cortex, which is the part of our brain that keeps us cool, calm and collected.  Trying to reason with someone during an emotional hijack situation is pointless.  Instead, using distracting methods may help restore a person to a calm state.

Here are some of the things a meltdown is made of:

• An overactive emotion center
• Characteristics that make the environment more threatening
• Temperament
• Difficulties with abstract thinking and perspective taking.  When one has challenges with abstract thinking, it may be difficult to take another’s perspective.  What other people are thinking and feeling must be imagined.  That may not come naturally to certain individuals.  When perspective taking does not come naturally, it makes it more likely to misinterpret others, which can lead to greater frustration and meltdowns.
• Inflexibility.  When it is hard to use one’s imagination, it becomes harder to solve new problems, and the likelihood of frustration increases, which may lead to meltdowns.”
• An explosive combination.  Imagine individuals who have a difficult temperament, are inflexible, and struggle to understand others’ point of view.  They come to new situations that are confusing, and do not have the problem-solving skills to handle them…These individuals are continually confronted with problematic events and cannot cope.”

To address these difficulties, we must help children find ways to calm themselves if a meltdown cannot be prevented, and avoid other meltdowns by anticipating and preparing for triggering events.

Join us next month for the review of chapters 3-6!

Effective Strategies to Stop Bullying

Here is an article I found that gave really great advice about bullying.

I received the following email from a mother…

I have a son who is 10 years old who has Aspergers. He has troubled being bullied at school. The frustrating thing is that he continues to “hang out” with these bullies and says they are his friends. He is scared to stand up for himself to these kids, but doesn’t have a problem fighting with his brother or sister. Any suggestions on how to deal with this?

Feeling that the bullies are your friends is all too common among kids who are bullied. Many children with ASD desperately want friends. The attention they receive from bullies is often better than being totally ignored. And bullies are very manipulative. They can bully your child one minute then pretend to be their friend the next. Most kids with ASD are so socially naïve that they cannot tell that the bully is simply using them for their own perverse enjoyment.

Let’s start by defining what we mean by bullying. There really are two categories.

1. Teasing — verbal abuse like insults, calling names, being “made fun of.”
2. Physical abuse — being slammed into the lockers, having the books knocked from your hands, being hit or punched.

There are several strategies that work effectively with bullies, but there are MANY actions to avoid.

What NOT to do:

 

 

	Fighting back.  Bullies are typically socially very astute. They understand the system and understand how the school works. Many are “jocks” and are liked by teachers and other students. If your son were to fight back, he is the one who will typically get in trouble with the school. And you son may also get beat up. This strategy is always a bad idea.
	Ignoring the bully. This is what many parents recommend. But in fact, it rarely works. The reason is that ignoring the bully is a reaction to what the bully did. It is not normal to ignore a comment from another person. This tends to be what the bully wants. He can see that he is upsetting your child and will likely just continue to abuse your son and possibly elevate the level of harassment.
	Walking away. Again, this is the advice parents often give. But it rarely works. The reason this is not an effective strategy to get bullying to stop is that the bully made your son react. Your son would normally not walk away. But the bully, through his comments or actions, got your son to walk away. This tends to also encourage the bully to continue because now he feels emboldened and more powerful.
	Contacting the parents of the bully. Do NOT do this. This is nearly always a bad idea. Many bullies are abused at home and come from bad families. The parents of the bully will simply defend the bully and possibly try to retaliate. Let the school and the police handle things.

What Works?

One of the most effective strategies that your child can use is to respond to the bully’s taunts (assuming teasing, not physical bullying) is with a neutral comment.

Let’s say the bully tells your son “You stink.” A good way to respond is to look at the bully and say in a very neutral tone something like “Whatever.”

The bully gets very little satisfaction from this exchange. Your son was not bothered, he did not walk away (which would be a reaction), he did not get upset (another reaction) nor did he say something aggressive in response (which tends to heighten the conflict).

It is not easy to show no emotion and to respond in a neutral way but this has been proven to be how non ASD kids respond effectively to bullies. And it is often the most effective way for your son, personally, to deal with the bullies.

One thing to keep in mind is that if your child is physically assaulted, then all bets are off. According to Alexander Gantman of the UCLA PEERS Social Skills Program, “It’s a very important distinction. If you make a person with a tendency for physical aggression feel inadequate by using tease-the-tease it will possibly cause them to escalate and physically attack.”

What Can A Parent Do?

Parents should not allow their children to be teased or bullied but physical abuse is often easier to fight.

 

 

	First, make sure you know what is going on. Talk to your child. Document each instance of abuse. Make sure you know as many details as possible. What exactly happened? Who did what? You definitely want to know if any teachers were around to see it because some teachers simply ignore the problem — which makes it worse.
	Tell the school. Have an in-person meeting with your child’s teacher and the principal. Do not let the school off the hook. You are not responsible for protecting your child when he or she is at school — that is the responsibility of the school administration.
	Demand that the school investigates. You do not have to know the names of those who are bullying your child. It is the school’s responsibility to provide a safe environment where your child can learn. Demand that the school does its own investigation if you do not have all the facts. Bullying never happens in isolation. There are always lots of witnesses. After all, that is the goal of the bully — they wantan audience.
	Document everything. Put everything in writing. Make sure you have an audit trail of all meetings you attend — Who is there? What are their titles? Date and time of the meetings? Location? Write emails documenting what happened at each meeting and what actions were to be taken as a result of the meeting. This will prevent the school from claiming that they did not know what was going on. After each meeting, send an email to every person at the meeting. Document what was said by whom. What actions were promised and by when. You may also want to copy people who were not at the meeting such as the Superintendent of Schools or Board of Education members — this visibility is often enough to get the school to take your seriously.
	Demand action. Ask the school administration what steps they plan to take to protect your child. Your child, if formally diagnosed with autism or Asperger’s is protected by the IDEA (Individuals with Disabilities Education Act). If your child is being hit, demand that the school discipline the bullies. If they do nothing, file a formal complaint with the police department. But do NOT contact the bullies or bullies’ parents directly. That is what the job of the school and police.
	Follow up.  Make sure that your child continues to communicate with you. As soon as another instance of bullying occurs, immediately have another in-person meeting with the school administrators. Document that the problem continues to occur. Demand that the school take measures to protect your child. Unfortunately in this world, the “squeaky wheel gets the grease.” School administrators often hope you will simply go away. If you do not go away then you force them to solve a problem they may prefer to ignore.

Here is a tip from a mom that might work for your child.

My son, now 22 was much bigger than the other kids in his class and so was the natural target of bullying. I taught him, at a very early age, to loudly announce “I don’t like that!” whenever someone did something he didn’t like. That way I didn’t have to teach him every specific thing people might do. Then I taught him to tell what it was he didn’t like, such as “he called me a name”, “he touched me” or, “he said words I didn’t like”. Being loud would call an adult’s attention to the problem and his brief explanation would cause the adult to seek more information. The last thing bullies want is adult attention so after a while they left him alone. Then the other kids who were bully targets started to hang around with him and he had friends -of sorts.

One Last Tip—Don’t Invite Abuse

If your child goes to school without wearing deodorant and he really does stink, then he is inviting abuse.  Or if your daughter is utterly clueless about how she dresses, or does not comb her hair…let’s face it, this only attracts the wrong type of attention.  Do your loved one a favor. Help him or her fit in. Give them concrete advice on how to avoid attracting ridicule or negative attention. Many with ASD do not realize how they appear to others. As a parent or friend of a person on the autism spectrum, help them help themselves.

Notes from the November 10, 2011 Autism Support Group: AUTISM ACCOMMODATIONS AT HOME

Amy, creator of our new blog, taught at our November Autism Support Group about Autism Accommodations parents can make at home.  There is a LOT of GREAT information in this post that can be really helpful to parents.  Thanks Amy!

 Autism Accommodations At Home

Some general principles to keep in mind when deciding on accommodations:

Set goals. Goals should be specific and measurable.

·         Long term: Have a vision of what you’re aiming for over the long haul.

·         Middle range: Break the big picture down into specific skills or behaviors to target for the next few weeks or months

·         Short term: Break each skill or behavior down into the most basic elements. Which steps can your child do now? What is the NEXT step he or she needs to learn? –OR—what is the NEXT step better for the target behavior? (Build bridges one plank at a time for your child; don’t demand that he leap gaping chasms in a single bound.)

Prioritize.  Focusing on a specific target gets better results than a random shotgun approach

Set your own priorities your own way, but here are some possible categories to think about:

A)     Top Priority: Behaviors that pose a safety risk. Skills that are critical to survival.

B)      Medium Priority: Behaviors that are causing major disruptions in family life or school. Skills that are important for the child to become a productive member of society.

C)      Low Priority: Behaviors that are weird and annoying, but not dangerous or overly disruptive. Skills that it would be nice for your child to gain, but which are not essential to a happy life.

·         Which three skills are most important for your child to learn next?

·         Which three behaviors are most important to work on now?

·         What safety measures, accommodations, or compromises can be put in place to help you, your child, and your family live with the issues you’re not currently working on?

When you put an accommodation in place, think about:

·         Specifically, what is the purpose of this accommodation? What behavior or skill is it intended to address?

·         How does this accommodation meet the need?

·         What is the desired outcome of the accommodation? How will you know if the accommodation is successful or not?

·         What is a reasonable period of time to try this accommodation to see if it results in the desired outcome?

·         Who will be responsible for seeing that the accommodation is carried out?

·         How will this accommodation affect the relationship between you and your child (and other family members)?

It’s ok if your accommodation isn’t a success. Even the failures will give you new information about your child that will help you formulate future accommodations more successfully. Just re-evaluate, regroup, and try something else. You have your whole life ahead of you, you don’t have to fix everything this afternoon. Trust me, the autism will still be there tomorrow.

Sensory

Remember that kids can be hyper-sensitive, hypo-sensitive, or swing back and forth along the whole spectrum of sensitivity. Adjust sensory accommodations accordingly. Sometimes kids need less stimulation to avoid becoming overwhelmed, but sometimes they need more stimulation to keep themselves oriented and connected.

Consider assembling a “Sensory First Aid Kit” to take along when you go places. It might include things like sunglasses, ear plugs, chewing gum, rubber gloves and/or wipes, a favorite snack, a fidget toy, a soft brush, etc., as appropriate for YOUR child’s sensory needs. When your child is in sensory distress it’s nice to have some tools to try to help, and older kids can learn to self-“medicate” and may feel less anxious if they know they have their toolkit along.

Vision

·         Evaluate lighting. Lighting that is too bright can cause some children distress. Fluorescent lighting can seem to flicker like a strobe light for some children.

·         Colors – Intense colors, pure, bright tones, and  “warm colors” (reds, pinks, yellows, oranges, etc.) are often more stimulating to the nervous system. Pastel colors, greyed tones, and “cool colors” (blues, greens, violets) are generally more soothing. Choose colors for walls, furniture, bedding, clothing, etc. that will be appropriate for your child’s needs. Bright primary colors are popular for kids, but may be over stimulating for autistic children.

·         Patterns – stripes, dots, plaids, paisleys, etc. are fun, but too many can overwhelm a sensitive nervous system. Words or pictures on clothing can also be over stimulating. Opt for plain colors or minimal patterns, especially close to the face or in frequently used areas.

·         Clutter can be visually stimulating. Keeping things tidy can help a visually sensitive child stay regulated. Putting doors or curtains on shelf units and cupboards can also reduce visual clutter.

·         Sunglasses and hats can help with bright lights outdoors. Look for close-fitting “wrap-around” sunglasses that control light on the sides and top as well as just looking forward.

·         Movement –  rapid, repetitive motion can be stimulating to the nervous system. Slow, gentle, deliberate motion is more soothing. Sometimes your child needs you to just be still. Mobiles and wind chimes can provide additional stimulation, as can TV and computer screens.

·         Sensitive kids can have a hard time filtering out peripheral stimulation, which can act cumulatively on the nervous system. Sometimes a dim, clutter-free area with a door that closes can be a big help for oversensitive kids.

Hearing

·         Pay attention to background noise—all the sounds you don’t normally “hear” because your brain filters them out—heating and air conditioning, buzzing lighting, creaky floors, wind, birds or traffic outside, your own breathing, people talking in the hallway or next room over. It can add up really fast.

·         Limit the number of sound sources going on at once in your home. The radio OR the tv OR the computer; not all of them at once.

·         Headphones. Play music or stories in headphones for your child to help drown out the constant auditory “clutter” of background noise. Have other family members use headphones when using the computer or listening to their music. Run the washer and dryer when your child is at school (or wait until he’s home if the additional stimulation is soothing; a running dryer at bedtime can work wonders.)

·         Ear plugs and ear protectors can be helpful for times when the child can’t withdraw from the noisy environment. These are available in several forms, which vary in effectiveness.

·         A quiet room where the child can go and close the door can be a life-saver.

·         A rambunctious, shouting, fidgeting, noisy child might be an under-stimulated child. Putting on a little quiet music can do a lot to cut down weird “sound effects”, repetition of random words, a child talking to him- or herself, and other bothersome auditory behaviors.

·         One odd thing that can happen when a child’s hearing is severely overstimulated is that it can shut off to protect the system. (This can happen with other senses too, but I’ve heard about it most with hearing.) If your child seems to be ignoring you it might be a sensory shut-down, not intentional rudeness. Usually, getting the child’s attention through another sense is enough to restart the auditory system. Before getting angry try touching the child’s shoulder, or standing in his line of vision, and then try talking again.

·         Monitor your voice. It can be easy to raise the volume, pitch, and intensity of your voice when you are frustrated, but this might just make the problem worse if your child is already overstimulated. Practice speaking in a calm, slow, even, quiet voice, especially when your emotions are running high. Conversely, speaking in a more rapid, intense manner when your child needs to be energized can help get things moving.

·         Set aside a quiet space and/or time for homework. It can be especially hard to focus on studies with noisy siblings, pets, dinner preparation, etc.

All I Want For Christmas Is A Silent Night

Christmas can be a stressful and confusing time of year for families with autistic children. What with the changes in routine, twinkling lights, festive music, decorations that weren’t there before, unfamiliar foods and smells, grabby relatives coming out of the woodwork, a tree plopped smack in the middle of the house, and a big fat man in a bright red suit shouting, “Ho, ho, ho!” right in your face in a crowded mall, it’s a recipe for meltdowns on a spectacular scale. Here are some ideas for keeping spirits bright while rockin’ around the Christmas tree this holiday season.

Making A List, And Checking It Twice

Mark all upcoming events on a calendar. Hang it where your child can see it at all times, and regularly discuss with the child what is coming up. This can help keep the child from being blindsided. Try not to schedule too many stressful things on one day, or on too many days in a row. Including things like the days you will put up the decorations and the day you will take them down will help the child transition more smoothly from the normal routine to the holiday routine and back again. Crossing out events as they occur will help the child stay oriented in time.

Write out a daily schedule for each day (some children will do better with pictures on the list showing each event). As much as possible, maintain your regular daily routines. Begin your day at the same time and in the same way you normally would, keep the same schedule for meals and medications, follow your regular bedtime routine. Write down and discuss with your child anything that is planned for that day that differs from the normal routine of the family. During the school break be sure to let the child know what will be happening during times he is normally in school. This is often a good time of day for structured activities. It’s very important to include in your schedule breaks and activities that help your child feel calm and relax; too much busy festivity can be overwhelming and lead to meltdowns.

Prepare the child for unfamiliar events and activities by discussing with him in advance what he can expect. It might be helpful to write down for him a checklist of what will happen and in what order at that specific event or activity so he can refer to it as needed to see what’s coming up next. If possible, show pictures from last year’s event or cut photos of an activity or project from a magazine.

Consider creating social stories and rehearsing brief “scripts” for common holiday social situations. What will happen Christmas morning? How do you handle giving and receiving gifts (including an undesirable gift!)? What about greeting visitors in your home, or visiting in the homes of relatives? Show your child pictures of relatives that might be encountered during the holidays, tell a few interesting facts about them, and talk about how the child should speak and act around each person.

Avoid surprises, or let the autistic child be in on the secret in advance. Many parents like to create special holiday surprises for their children. While most kids are thrilled with surprises, many autistic children find surprises quite disturbing and upsetting. Letting them help set up the surprise, or taking them aside beforehand and warn them about what is about to happen can prevent a surprise meltdown. If your child is confused by presents, or finds not knowing what’s in them upsetting consider wrapping his presents in tissue paper or colored cellophane; that way the child can still unwrap the present but knows what to expect when he gets it open.

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Christmas can bring with it lots of intense new sensory experiences, and while most people revel in the sights, sounds, flavors, and scents of the season, for an autistic child they can be frightening and overwhelming. This is a time when less is often more, and you might want to think about which sensory-intensive decorations and experiences are most important for your family and eliminate some of the unnecessary extras. Try to introduce new sensory experiences one at a time and as calmly as possible. Allow your child to try new treats at his own comfort level, and consider bringing along some favorite familiar foods to holiday celebrations.

Welcome!

Sadly our old web site’s server had a hard drive die, and it took our data down with it. We’re trying to look at this as an opportunity to update and upgrade, and we welcome any suggestions you might have as we get back up and running. We hope to make the site even more useful for the parents and educators in our group.  You can leave your ideas here in the suggestion box above, or on the group’s Facebook page.

We appreciate your patience as we work through all this, and apologize for any inconvenience.